Understanding anticipatory grief in children and young people

When a child is grieving before someone dies

When a parent, grandparent or another loved one is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness, the emotional impact on a family often begins long before a death occurs.

Children and young people can start grieving during this time. This is known as anticipatory grief. It describes the complex mix of sadness, fear, anger and anxiety a child may feel before someone close to them dies.

Mandy Williams, Children and Young People Therapy Lead at Rennie Grove Peace Hospice Care, explains how anticipatory grief can affect children and how parents and carers can support them.

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief put simply is grieving before someone dies. Knowing that a diagnosis of a life limiting illness has been given to someone such as a mum, dad or treasured grandparent or extended family member can throw a child or young person’s life into turmoil.

Seeing the person deteriorate physically and mentally can be traumatic for a child as depending on their age and cognitive ability, their level of understanding will differ.

How grief may show up in children

Anticipatory grief affects children and young people uniquely and can manifest in different ways. Children and young people may not know how to express their emotions verbally but may express their anticipatory grief through changes in mood, sleeping and eating patterns, and behaviour.

Changes in their behaviour include such things as acting out, school avoidance, separation anxiety, regression, becoming aggressive, and doing things that they wouldn’t normally do (out of character behaviour). Behaviour changes can often be the first sign alerting you that a child or young person is struggling emotionally.

How parents and carers can support their child

As parent or carer, you can help your child or young person manage their anticipatory grief by keeping routines as regular as possible, speaking to them in an age-appropriate manner and being open with them about what is happening to their loved one. Don’t be afraid to show them your grief and sadness too, as children are very perceptive and know when there’s a change in their world. By being open with them, it creates space for questions, processing and understanding.

Don’t be afraid to use the words death and dying, when talking to your children, as scary as that may seem. Being informed helps a child process the situation they are in. If a child is kept in the dark, their imaginations can run wild as they try to process what is happening, often leaving them feeling that they may have been the cause of their loved one’s illness or deterioration. This can lead to lifelong fears and uncertainties.

Pre-bereavement support like that offered by Rennie Grove Peace through our Children’s and Young Person’s Service, can be helpful in preparing them for the inevitable deterioration of their loved one.  By giving them a space to express their feelings and emotions through creative activities and discussion with an experienced listener or counsellor children can begin to process their grief, and better understand the dying process.

Support for children and young people

Pre-bereavement support can help children begin to process what is happening before a loved one dies.

Through Rennie Grove Peace Hospice Care’s Children’s and Young Person’s Service, children can express their feelings through creative activities and discussions with experienced counsellors in a safe and supportive environment. This can help them better understand the changes around them and begin to process their grief.

If your child might benefit from extra support, you can also find out about our pre-teen drop-in bereavement group, held on the second Saturday of each month from 10am to 12.30pm, where young people can talk, share experiences, and feel less alone.