The cafés helping the bereaved

Coping with grief 

Faced with one of the most challenging times in her life, Danusia Smallman said she found great strength from the comfort of strangers – people she didn’t know but could talk with about her experiences over a cuppa at a Compassionate Café. 

But Compassionate Cafés are more than just a cup of tea and a KitKat. 

Located in cafes and venues across St Albans and hosted by Rennie Grove Peace Hospice Care, the drop-in sessions are open to anybody affected by loss and loneliness, providing non-judgmental support in a relaxed environment. 

Danusia, who lives in St Albans, recently attended her local Café and said there is something profoundly healing about sharing feelings with other people who have been through similar situations. 

“I sat and chatted to two ladies, and they just listened. I had quite a lot of pent-up feelings that I hadn’t expressed, and they were so sympathetic.  

“Just the fact that they let me sort of rant on meant that afterwards, I felt that I had released so much from being able to talk about anything I felt like.” 

Danusia had gone to the café as she wanted to talk about her mother, Muriel Kowolik, and how she really loved people. 

Muriel, who moved to St Albans in 1996 with her husband, Ernest, was an avid reader, a passionate traveller and a keen gardener. She visited art exhibitions and loved organising coffee mornings for her neighbours. She was a keen member of her church women’s group and supporter of the Newman Arts Society and didn’t hesitate to question local or visiting politicians about issues she considered important. 

“She treated everybody with respect and loved talking to them about what was going on in the wider world,” her daughter recalled. 

“Both she and my father were very interested in the church and my mum volunteered in the Abbey gift shop. She loved talking to all the visitors who came in and learning about where they came from. She greeted them all with a warm, friendly smile, bright blue eyes and a sense of humour. 

“She was born in Edinburgh and was at school during the war with many people who had fled from persecution in Europe – I feel this gave her a very strong sense of justice and tolerance.” 

Although she can talk to her family, Danusia explained she found it helpful talking to people she didn’t already know at the Compassionate Café because it felt like she wasn’t burdening or upsetting anybody and yet they were also very understanding about her situation. 

“One of the nice things about the session I went to was that it took place in The Café on the Corner [in Catherine Street, St Albans], which is very warm and welcoming. 

“I like that you don’t sit in a circle – you sit at tables as usual in a café. It is very personal and feels safe.” 

“The Compassionate Cafés are a wonderful idea,” she added. 

“I would say to anybody thinking of visiting a Café to give it a try. What I experienced was the feeling of being welcomed, of kindness and being understood and not being judged. People there can go at their own pace. It is cosy and non-demanding, and talking about my mother helps keep her alive.” 

Danusia revealed how her mother benefited from the Hospice at Home service offered by Rennie Grove Peace towards the end of her life.  

“My mother was adamant she didn’t want to go to hospital, so the Rennie Grove Peace nurses looked after her at home.  

“Once they started coming in everything kind of calmed down because we knew things were being organised, we knew we could completely trust that we had the help and support in looking after her and that she received the palliative care that kept her comfortable and out of pain. 

“Everybody from Rennie Grove Peace who came into the house was so caring, compassionate and kind, totally professional. 

“It was great that we were still involved – as we always had been – in my mother’s care.” 

Danusia said they even rang the Rennie Grove Peace Hospice at Home team in the middle of the night for advice and support:  

“The fact they were on call 24 hours a day was reassuring. We felt that they supported my brother and me – they were like angels who came in and took care of everything, and us too. They treated us as intelligent people and involved us at every step so we understood exactly what was going on. 

“We were fully engaged in what was happening and we are so grateful that this support was available and totally free of charge.”